Exit

Get out!
You are no longer welcome.
You've been inhabiting my mind--
since the day I let you in.

You've been living inside,
Tearing the paint on the walls.
Like a phlegm I try to cough up,
Stubborn to be released,
you restrict my breathing.

It's time for you leave, your effects dissolving.

Reality

Unleash your cravings.
Release all your savings.
Walk the dog, feed the cat,
Clean the tank, trap the rat.

Free a bird to send a message.
Spin the bottle and dare an act of courage.

Build a wall with a strong foundation.
Break barriers, start a tradition.

Form a circle around the night.
Carve your name to a day of light.

Dream endlessly and believe continuously.
Stars will align, truth is a possibility.

Crossing

I wonder why I always look down.
A stride to temporarily be apart,
My feet reunite, reaching the end point.

Head not looking ahead.
Eyes fixed to the concrete,
Cementing the prints I leave behind.

My trails are structurally random;
Like my mind running in organized motions,
treading my disorderly thoughts--provoking emotions.

I wonder what would happen if I pick my head up;
From the dirt, I cover my face in mud.
Therapeutic treatment, cells awakening.

To where I look, each direction--lines are endless.
Passing strangers, each preview--sneaking immediate judgments.

When will my interests be paid? I wonder--
How will I pay it forward?
I look up and I can finally see.
I know I'd always look down;
I look down--and wonder.

Words Unspoken

The Impossible

written by: Jesson Rata 

These dreams.
Psychedelic dreams.
Untouchable yet, describable-- in some ways.
One moment turns into something else--
like mixing drinks, experiencing a different taste--
between sweet and sour--hot and cold--
the gray area mushes, turning into a hybrid form.

Interpretations will only add to a stack of questions.
Trying to figure out--deciphering the meanings behind what's already confusing.
The brain fiddles and play with scenarios. Like an unsolved mystery--cliffhangers.
Perhaps it reveals our deepest desires.
Perhaps it reveals our truest natures.

Waking up is pointless.
It ends the adventure.
Even nightmares can be fun--heart races.
Sometimes we try to revert the traces.
Clues are left behind like memories--quickly faded.

These dreams.
Psychotic it seems.
Prescriptions--Doctor recommendations.
Insomniac relations--day dreaming of immeasurable temptations.
Deprived of ecstatic doses--medicine will only nourish addictions.

Shut your eyes and try to fall.
Wake up and it will all dissolve to nothing at all.
Dreams are what we strive for.
Dreams are what we yearn for.
Dreams---they are what we live for.

Words Unspoken

Four-Play

written by: Jesson Rata

Four corners.

Stands, four players. 

Quarrels of foul cries, collided.

Facing each nemesis into quadrants, divided. 

Individuals motivated by objectives.

Devising plans, careful detectives. 

Goal to achieve the highest rank, careful steps--discriminate.

Going by the hit-list, tunnel vision, hindrances must eliminate. 

Scoping intensely, measuring opponents, methodical evaluation. 

Staying alert, mind assessment, sedulous investigation. 

Shrill of the first struck, the red bullet--bounces. 

Instant reflex, ricochet the shot, violence--denounces. 

The King may bend the rules, charges swift modification. 

The Pawns are summoned, critical prosecution. 

The Bishop prays for the suspects, classified praises, flattery denunciation. 

The Queen cradles a heart, each beat rebounds, battery probation. 

Words Unspoken

Drowning 

written by: Jesson Rata

Gasping for air. . . you strain your neck; stretching..you look around, checking.

Struggling to keep the pace. . . you're movements, fluctuating; you panic, you try floating.

Screaming for help. . .  no one is around, you wish for a miracle; you're wheezing, yelp not helping.

Giving, no one is reaching. . . the waves starting to bring you down; you fight, your Will diminishing.

Vanishing. . . your light dimming; They look from afar, will they notice you're drowning?

Words Unspoken

Eventually

written by: Jesson Rata

Today is earlier than usual. 

It's not like any other days,

it's becoming a ritual.

Tasks at hand were once confusing; 

like riding the waves slowly, you're cautious to not make mistakes,

yet, you were falling. 

Eventually the ride gets easy.

Even when the water is raging,

you continue believing--

moving is breezy.

Relax your mind and your body will follow.

Allow your soul to take over,

release all the sorrow--

soak in all the positivity,

spirits, swallow. 

When things get crazy,

your vision gets hazy.

Just close your eyes, imagine a world where there are skies--

of no lies.

Where the ground is stable;

not shaken by any label.

Now open your eyes;

Do you see a world of disguise?

Capture that vision, now your realize.

The politics, views, the price of arguing--

the war, hunger, win a prize of suffering. 

Today is still early.

It's never too late.

When are you going to make a change?

Start by breathing, speaking--

let your message reverberate. 

You're getting used to the ride.

You're moving steadily--cruising. 

Skipping your steps, you don't mind bruising. 

Your journey extends through space--traversing. 

Eventually the ride gets easy.
Even when the water is raging,
you continue believing--
moving is breezy.
Relax your mind and your body will follow.
Allow your soul to take over,
release all the sorrow--
soak in all the positivity,
spirits, swallow.

Words Unspoken

Infatuation 

written by: Jesson Rata 

I thought it was just a fling. 

I thought it didn't mean a thing.

You keep running in my head,

Even when I go to bed.

Moments of your touch, 

Still lingers,

I feel it's too much.

Why do I keep those memories--

When I'm not sure how to feel--

Is  what I'm feeling real? 

I don't know which feeling to connect.

If you're sending mix signals,

I don't want to link what I'm feeling,

And later, reject, I recollect. 

It doesn't take a lot of time--

For me to forget.

One moment I'm focused,

the other, distracted. 

Are you just a distraction?

Do I feel the attraction? 

Electrified when you look, 

It's an awkward reaction.

Do you understand what I'm going through--

Even in just the tiniest fraction? 

These questions are not rhetorical,

I'm sure it's all metaphorical.

I choose to stay oblivious--

To your hints,

Your actions I ignore,

Like a blank piece of paper with no prints. 

Perhaps the next time I see you,

Please make sure to be clear.

I don't want to keep playing games with you,

Just be yourself with no fear.

No need to impress,

I only ask for you--to express.

And don't worry, I'll do the same.

I'm tired of feeling this way, 

It's lame!

Words Unspoken

The Search

written by: Jesson Rata 

I was once a stranger to you.

The first day we met, 

All I could think about were ways to remember 

Your face, your name. 

I listen to the way you talk;

The sound once foreign,

Now I'm beginning to unblock.

You left unnoticed--

I don't know where you are.

I'm struggling to figure out

The Things you left undone. 

You comeback only to find I'm gone. 

We search to find each other,

Not knowing where to look.

Believing that fate will bring us back together.

We hope to follow the trails,

we leave in the pages of our journey book. 

You're somewhere over the other end of the road.

Will I ever find you?

The frustration and worries, 

I'm beginning to unload. 

Drifting by, I'm starting to see--

The end, it seems where there's no you and me. 

Strangers, once again, we are. 

We were close, now we're far. 

I hope to meet you again someday.

I'm keeping the faith; I pray. 

Go On.

Second-Guessing

written by: Jesson Rata

Minutes have passed. You look at it again.

You scratch your head. You twirl your hair. You twist your brain, you refrain. 

You think you know it. You think you're sure. 

You erase the previous mark, you're mind's a blur. 

You're digging deep, down to the dark well. 

You wish to see the light, you still dwell. 

You look around, stare at nothing, 

You look down, hoping to come up with something. 

You went with It. 

Oh hell with It. 

You scramble, you mumble. 

You dabble, you fumble.

You're tired. You're drained. 

You're pulling the last straw, one short end remained. 

You finally gave in, you're done messing;

You stop attempting, you're done second-guessing. 

Presidential Election- Vote 2012

Tomorrow, November 6, 2012 is the day to exercise one of your citizen rights: to vote. It's very important that each person that are of age, a citizen of the United States, and is registered to vote, to contribute to the progress of our country. So please, go out there and VOTE! Remember, every vote counts. Happy Voting everyone!

October 30, 1966

My Gift

written by: Jesson Rata

It turns out, I'm still a little kid.
The little kid who cries.
The little kid who's afraid.
The little kid who clings on to mom.
The little kid who falls every time he runs.
The little kid who gets bruises, wounds, scars--- patching band aids over it.

Now I understand.
I understand why She would leave me, while dropping my siblings off to school
She didn't have enough.
She would come back and bring Champorado. Spaghetti when she has enough.
She would help me dress for school: putting socks over my feet, fix my imperfect uniform, give me kisses for luck.
At times, I would cry when she drops me off.
At times, I would cry with them, every time their parents drop them off.
Most of the time, I would be very happy to see her there, standing, waiting for me.
She would carry me when I didn't have the energy.
She would carry me whenever I'm sick.
She would carry me to show affection.

She didn't have enough.
She works hard every day.
She works hard to keep the house clean.
She works hard to keep the fridge full.
She prays hard to survive.
She prays hard for guidance.
She prays hard for strength.
She raised us with her own bare hands.
She was our father.
She is my Mom.

Days in my shoe (MIA)

Literally. Missing-In-Action.

Unemployment is not the greatest thing. It's not the greatest feeling. It's not cracking. I feel static; not progressing, stuck, and useless. It hard to even make a tiny move in this sluggish economy. It's been five months and counting. Student Loans notices came in today and it hit me: I NEED TO MOVE MY ASS! The fact of the matter is, that's what I've been doing the entire time. When an opportunity opens, it's either I don't have enough experience, or over qualified. Especially when I'm almost close to locking-in that position, they were impressed but thought my qualifications and experience is not enough, too green, and went with someone "better-fit-for-the-position." I just don't get it anymore. They saw potential, they saw my enthusiasm, I gave them everything they could ask for and more; yet, I didn't fit what they were looking for.  By now, I'm used to, "We appreciate your interest. . . and wish you well in your future endeavors. . ." or  ". . . . wish you the best of luck in your job search." Unless you're a Jeanie or have "lucky" dust to dash over me, I'll take your well-thought-out-let's-not-hurt-his-feelings-but-let's-do-it-nicely-rejection letter. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying, using all of my energy and effort, only to fail. Once again, I'm finishing last. I spent four years of my college life, busting my ass off, investing my time and attention to earn my degree, be in debt, and turn out to be unemployed. Was it really worth it considering that I just drowned myself in debt and now must find a job to pay it all back? Education is key to success, yet I'm second guessing that at the moment. I find it funny how most of the entry-level positions require a high school diploma/GED, with 5 or more years of related experience, only to do the basic stuff, and get paid hourly (most start at minimum wage): Seriously? You telling me that  four years I spent working hard to just get that degree in the mail boils down to this? I feel like nothing is coming my way. I'm seriously considering doing basic jobs may it be in retail, restaurants, car-wash locations, or the random guy spinning that sign (at least he's making money!). Really America? The land of opportunities? With rising unemployment rates, rising gas prices, health care disparities, broken education system, to the "promising" economy, was it even all worth it? I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I'm trying all I can. I'm staying positive. I'm being patient. I'm praying. I'm thankful. The five or so of being unemployed allowed me to really appreciate my family and the remaining friends I have. So, I'm letting it all out to the Universe! Leaving all my problems and worries behind. I sill believe. I'm still very hopeful that an opportunity will come my way. It's almost Christmas and all I want is to have a stable job. Doing things that I want to do require money, that means getting a job. I never imagined to be in this situation. Education? I don't know anymore.

Things to Unload- Just Gotta Let it Out

Hey Ya'll! It's been ages! Literally it felt like I haven't blogged in so long. To update you on life, nothing changed. Still job less. Still looking and searching and the process of it all is becoming second nature to me. I thought that I had a chance to be able to finally find a stable job; unfortunately, when it was my turn to spin the wheel, it landed on 'lose turn' aka door was closed aka I'm not the winner of Hell's Kitchen and wasn't able to get my door open. Coming into the interview during that day, I was really nervous yet excited at the same time. During the interview, I felt confident answering all the questions and I would constantly get affirmations that I was answering the questions well with the panel saying, 'good', 'excellent'. At the end of the interview we even got a chance to laugh it out and talked about dogs! It didn't occur to me till after the interview that I should of distributed my freshly revised resume and references to the panel in order to show urgency or a sense of taking control and going ahead of the game; then I noticed that they already had a copy of my old resume that I submitted so I was being polite and observant and hesitated to ask them if they would want a new copy. I knew then that 10 points was taken off even in the scale of that minuscule detail. Then the weekend (Friday-Sunday) came (the interview happened Thursday), and I didn't occur to me to EMAIL the panel and thank them for the opportunity they've given me to be interviewed by them in order to show consistency and the desperate cry to hire me until late last night when my friend told me about it. SO I rushed in producing a decent email and was able to do it last minute. I knew after sending the email that I had already lost: Another ten points off and I'm out of the game. Katniss killed me with her archery skills. I finally got the confirmation when my friend notified me that she got the job offer and right then and there, I bled to death. Yes, I left out the part where it was between me and my friend fighting for the same position but I knew that when said that she knows the panel from past experience, that she's going to get the job just by walking through that door; coupled with her massive experience with Office of Student Life, her resume alone was enough to shoot right through my heart. In all seriousness, I was really proud of her and that I know that the panel made a very wise decision by hiring her. I know that she's going to contribute a lot to the Chancellor's Office and be able to just rock the Events Assistant position! It's going to take the entire day for me to get over it and just think about what's to come. I know that this is not what God planned for me and I know that there are going to be better things ahead. Overall, it was a learning experience. I had a wonderful time after the interview by reuniting with my Merced Family and was overwhelmed with love and positive vibe of them really wanting me to get the job. And for that, I appreciate and thank them for the support. So today is just an ordinary day. I'm waiting for that rejection email to come in and really just be the flower to my grave. LOL. There. Done. It feels good to have finally let it all out. As for the reader(s), thank you for your time and effort for reading such a post. Ya'll are very good listeners, I must say. Till my next entry, have a blastin' DAAAAY! :)

Earworm: Gun Shot by Nicki Minaj feat. Beenie Man

When I grow up. . .

Since the development of my cognitive ability to function, to think critically on my own, to form words, to speak, to be both objective and subjective, to be both rational/irrational, to think that I'm actually thinking, I too had the imagination to create an idea in my mind. To dream of what I would become, what I would turn into to, what I would/could be. Like many young, curious kids, I was already picturing myself doing something I love. Of course, the media, academia, and my peers made a huge impact in my process of formulating my ideal future self. Bellow is a list of shoulda/coulda/wouldas. . . when I grow up, I want to be a:

• Scientist
• Doctor
• Lawyer
• Firefighter 
• Writer/Author
• Performer
• Singer/Musician
• Celebrity
• Actor
• Dancer
• Painter/Artist
• Computer Scientist
• Engineer
• Architect
• Animator
• Provider
• Carer 
• Giver
• Magician
• Wizard
• Creator
• Inventor
• Helper
• Director
• Producer
• Lover
• Destroyer
• Smasher
• Collector
• Liberator
• Motivator

. . . To this day, I imagine myself being all of those form of my(SELF); an alternate universe where multiple beings of myself are either one or another. What would my life be if I became one of those mentioned beings? Who knows! As I'm living my current life, there's not a day where I think about this matter over and over again; playing in my head, day dreaming, and eventually made its way in my actual dreams when sleeping. Through this "journey," I realized how powerful the 'mind' is. They say that everyday is a new day. Well I think that there's no such thing as 'tomorrow' per se. Our idea of tomorrow is the actuality of waking up from dreaming; when night turns to day, when darkness is conquered by the light, the sun, when the actual  earth turns toward the light, making the other side oblivious to the rays of the sun and the transition begins again. I like to think that we only invented the words, yesterday, today, and tomorrow as a way to tell our place in time, to be organize, to follow the order, the law (physics, astronomy, chemistry, biology, relativity, you can pick from one of those), and to basically, and ultimately, live life. I'm amazed on how humanity has come a long way since the dawn of time (literally). Our earth, our human/animal species continues to evolve and to find ways to make life easy: to make it easier to live life everyday, to function with no ease, to instill the second nature in daunting tasks and responsibilities of a living human/animal. When it's all said and done, none of this nonsense even matters. This line of reasoning, computing, imagining, and thinking goes on nonstop in my head. [I can't believe I just used the prefix -non- three times in the same sentence]. Random, I know. If you're reading this, have you ever wonder what life is? What is it about? What makes it special? Why are we living? What makes us feel emotions? What/Who created us? Are there any other beings out there that are like us? Who are also thinking of the same things as us? Imagine a mirror of yourself in a different galaxy. How would you look like? How are you able to live everyday? What is life like living in the opposite end of the universe? Again, who knows. I don't know. Is there even anyone out there?

I apologize for the random detour this blog has ventured in to. I hope that like I, you also dream about the great things in life. What could/should/would you be when you grow up? What do you want to be when you grow up? Are you still 'growing'? Who's to say the limits of 'growing up?' Again, I don't know. WHO knows.

Words Unspoken

Two

written by: Jesson Rata

Star-crossed lovers? Not even close
The two were brought together at first sight, it seemed no future
Came from different families. One  with an alcoholic mother. The other, never even saw a glimpse of his father.
The tale of two, both had only one pursue.
The feeling of gentle, soft, light, addictive emotion.
None had no clear dreams of tomorrow.
The nights are filled with courtship, a chase to impress the other.
One moment hot, one moment cold, the rest, just right.
Like a ripping mango, once green, now grew shades of yellow.
The days came, after one another. Filled with tears both of melancholy and joy.
Trials after trials, the tests made them tougher, stronger, milder.
Fights came about, shouts, screams, pure disaster.
Struggles were like winter. A way to make them closer, together, sharing warm laughter.
From there, the fruit of their shared endeavors resulted in four successors.
Each one varies, much like the seasons.
Yet all dream of creating presents to give to their creators.
Time ages all. Time heals it all. Time makes it all.
The two continues to smile together.
Reminiscing the past, revisiting memories that lasts.
They both continue to live, only to paint a better picture.
Time creates it all. Time tells it all. Time knows it all.
When will the two fall? When will it all dull?
Together, the two will awaken, the two will never be broken, the two will happen.
 

Words Unspoken

Time Capsule 

written by: Jesson Rata

You try. Everyday you try.
You get up, search, write, you hit apply.
You do the same cycle; wash, rinse, clean.
You hope that in every solitaire, a reply will come after.
You wait, and wait, and wait.
Sometimes, you get nothing, sometimes you get objections.
You try. Everyday you try.
When will you do? Do you know what to do?
That one day will come. In time, you'll know. . . you'll do.

Reunited and it feels. . . alright.

Voice Within

written by: Jesson Rata

Pressure. Oh I wish I'm not struggling to free away from under.
They continue to push down with words of threats only bringing me down.
They think it's easy, when in fact, they only suggest the easy way out. . . they're very concern,
afraid that I fail on my own; Failure. The only way I'm going to be able to pick myself up is to fall. . . down to
my own mistakes, aches, for my own sake, this is what I need to endure, this is what I have to take.
Like them, I am also afraid, but I've come to believe in myself. Have they come to believe in me?
I ignore their blasting of rhetorical. A blank mask I put on, only to space them out, I stare at nothing while
they resume to pester me with their knowledge about what I should do. In reality, they know nothing.
They compare me to others. They assume nonchalantly. They don't know me.
I feel trapped. Contained in a bubble of oppression: hindering my ability to sprout and nourish my own.
Perhaps, they still think I'm the little boy they once adored. They've forgotten that time aged me
to this tall, slim, song bird who never stopped dreaming.
Now, I'm pursuing to achieve inner peace. For that is what gives me strength, courage, and determination
whilst in the midst of the noise and trouble, I keep my composure. . . and still be calm in my heart.


_________________________________________________________________________________

Hiatus, DONE! Took me long enough to be back here on my blog and post something. I've been meaning to  blog ever since my move back home, here in Sac. Welcome back, ME! As far as updates, it's been a roller coaster ride so far. Nothing exciting yet. I'm still conjuring up my plan of action. Let me just say that it feels good to not worry about school work. It's even more stressful to think about my own life at the moment. I'm sick and tired of people asking me about 'what am I going to do.' Seriously, people just need to calm down and let me have my own time to think and enjoy my free time for a while. For sixteen years, I was always on my toes, pacing everywhere trying to fulfill my role as a student. That part is now over. I'm still a 'student' in a way that I will never stop learning. I'm done trying to please everyone. It's time to please me, now (as weirdly as that sound). Idc. It's time to really go for something that I've been meaning to be since birth! I need to just go for it now, rather than wait and eventually not do it at all. Like a ninja, I am quietly making my moves. You will know all about it once I get there. Soon. XD



Song of the week: Wipe Your Eyes by Maroon 5 #Overexposed

Moments of Uncertainty

You know, when you're in the middle of an interview, you try to quickly come up with an answer that will entice the hiring manger in order to get a second interview? Well, today was just a day for that. I went in the interview thirty minutes early and had the opportunity to chat with some of the workers there. When it was time for me to get interviewed, I went in the office and sat in a chair. Most of you probably know the drill by now. A desk separates you from the interviewer and you just sit there for a good amount of time looking alert as possible. Then comes the questions being thrown at you. There are moments during the interview where I thought to myself, is he asking me a trick question? Should I answer them creatively or straight on? After some quick-second thinking, I blurted something out. At that moment, uncertainty invited itself in my head and started psyching me out. As I keep calm, I continued the interview with pure personality as much as I can conjure up. After the interview, I went in the car and had some time to clear my mind and think. A smack of my hand met the corner of my head, just above my hairline and called myself stupid. Stupid in a way that right after the interview, that's when the creative juices came in and my mind exploded with ideas to answer the questions in a way that would seal the deal. UGH. I hate the fact that it happens like that. When I was driving back home, I repeatedly rehearse the line that could have been the, "oh yeah. he's the right candidate," over and over and over again. I've come to the realization that there's nothing else I could do to change it all. This exact thing happens every time, especially when taking an exam: you sit there staring at the question for a good ten minutes and was able to answer it, then after taking the exam, that's when you start to remember everything you crammed the night before. LOL. It's ridiculous. Anyway, the interview manager told me that they will review everything, and if considered, they will give me a call at around 5pm. If I don't get a call, then I know that I wasn't going to even move on to the next phase of the three part interview process. *Sigh.* It's really hard to sell yourself to people when you're just trying to start your career. Lesson learned. Now I know what to respond back to that certain question. Nothing comes easy. Four years of college done, now it's time to work even harder than ever. Whatever happens, I'm not going to give up and will continue to improve. I think now it the perfect time for nap. LOL. :)

Life lesson #___!

Second chances. We all fall. We spend time being upset about what we did and would wish for time to turn back and undo our mistake(s). Unfortunately, as much as we fantasize for some mad scientist to invent a time machine, we fixate ourselves in the present psyching ourselves out and lose sleep just thinking about the scenario, playing it over and over again. .  .  . Well get over it! STOP wasting your time burning woods that was already been burnt out. Focus on what you have to do and motivate yourself. It's a life trial that tests our emotional endurance. Resilience is key. Adaptation is required. Like John Legend says, we're just ordinary people, we don't know which way to go. Take it slow- oh- oh -oh -oh- JUST TAKE IT SLOW! Ultimately, just take that second chance and never look back. Remember, you're not a time traveler. Life is what we make out of it, it's not the end of the world. . .  yet. LOL.